


I Shatter

by Slinkling



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, episode-related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-29
Updated: 2009-12-29
Packaged: 2017-10-05 10:59:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slinkling/pseuds/Slinkling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Clark wasn't such a coward at the end of "Shattered"?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Shatter

**Author's Note:**

> This will make a lot more sense if you've seen the relevant Smallville episode (season 3, episode 8).
> 
> It was written as part of my 69 Love Songs project, in which I wrote an unconnected series of fics whose titles came from the Magnetic Fields' album, "69 Love Songs." No, I did not actually succeed in writing 69 stories. This fic's song was #46.

_Bang – there was you  
Too gold, too blue  
You told the truth  
I cried.  You flew.  
You called me mad  
(and I am mad)  
as a hatter  
Some fall in love…  
I shatter  
_    - Magnetic Fields

Day One   
**Lex:**  
The car is speeding towards me but then Clark is there, and he collects the car around himself like a shawl then throws it off.  He looks at me and there’s something in my eyes but before I can say anything I’m in his arms and wind whips past us, I can’t see what’s happening, I think I hear Julian crying again and I try to tell Clark but can’t hear my own voice.  Everything stops and we’re not in Metropolis anymore, it’s a street with palm trees, and I can’t tell if I’m awake or not.  Clark tells me we need to call Toby.  I say we have to go back and get Julian.  “Focus, Lex,” Clark says, and he grips my shoulders and stares into my eyes.  His eyes are intensely green and I focus.  “You’ve been drugged.  We have to get you to Toby.  What’s Toby’s phone number?”  So I tell him, and Clark uses a pay phone that’s suddenly right there next to us, and some people walk by with a baby that isn’t Julian and there’s a soft breeze on my skin and I think I smell the ocean.   And I think Clark isn’t human.  And I’m pretty sure I’m awake, or as sure as I’ve been lately, and then Clark hangs up the phone and pulls me into an alley and wraps his arms around me, and I’m about to laugh because there’s a part of me that even now is thinking _Jesus, finally!_ except I don’t get the chance to say that because the wind whips up again and I’m pressed against Clark’s chest and maybe he’s trying to kill me too but if he is I like his method better than my father’s.  Then we’re outside Toby’s house in Metropolis and Clark sets me down on the stoop and rings the bell and nothing happens.  “It’s not safe here,” I say, and Clark says “It’s the best we can do,” and that doesn’t make it any better, and nobody answers the door and I say “There’s nobody home” and Clark says “I’ll try around back” and when he gets down the steps the door opens and I get shot and die.  
**  
Clark:**  
“Lex!”  Clark leapt up the stairs to catch his friend as he fell.  Quickly checking Lex for blood and finding none, he turned furiously to the grizzled form leaning against the doorframe.  “What the hell did you do?”

Toby lowered his gun.  “Easy there, tiger.  It’s a tranq dart.  You told me our boy is psychotic and I don’t fancy getting clocked on the head.”

“So you shot him?!”

Toby shrugged.  “He’ll wake up in a couple hours.  You want to bring him inside, or do you want to stay on the stoop here?”  He withdrew into the house.

Clark stared after him, scanning through the door and then the walls, before lifting Lex carefully and going in.

The spacious living room had no working lights, a charred fireplace, odds and ends of furniture, and veritable warrens of dust bunnies on the floor, illuminated by slanting rays from a row of windows.  “Set him there,” Toby instructed, gesturing toward a disreputable-looking sofa.  More efficiently than Clark would have expected, he rolled up Lex’s sleeve and drew two vials of blood.  “Just hang tight for a while,” he said, “and I’ll see what we’re dealing with.”  He left them alone.

Standing guard over Lex, Clark narrowed his eyes to follow Toby’s progress around a corner, through the kitchen, up a back staircase, and into what had to be his lab.  After watching him unearth some inexplicable high-tech equipment from a mountain of fast-food containers, Clark turned his attention back to his unconscious friend.  Probably for the best that Lex couldn’t see his surroundings, he thought, wiping a bit of drool from the corner of Lex’s mouth.

Some time later, Toby returned.  “We’ve got good news and bad news,” he announced.  “Good news is, you were right; he’s got enough psycho-juice in his bloodstream to kill a horse.”

Clark blinked.  “That’s the good news?”

Toby grinned.  “Well, it means he’s not crazy.  Or, not crazier than he was, anyway.  You said on the phone he still has lucid periods; that’s a good sign.  With anyone else the kind of dose he’s been getting might do some permanent re-wiring, but Lex is a little special.  He ought to be able to shake it off.”

As the words sunk in, Clark let out a sigh, feeling like he’d been holding his breath for days.  “God.  That’s… That’s great.  Thank you.”

“Yeah, you might not want to thank me just yet.”  Toby cocked his head.  “Bad news is, I can’t do shit for him.  It’s not like there’s an antidote.  You’ve just got to wait for the drugs to work their way out of his system.  With the amount we’re dealing with, we’re talking three or four days at least.  Maybe more.”

Clark glanced at Lex.  “But then he’ll be alright?”

“I’m not sure you get my drift, Sparky.  Our buddy here is going to be off his nut for another three or four days.  As in, hallucinating, unstable, paranoid, and violent.  And I’m sure as shit not babysitting for him.”  Toby ran a hand through his greasy hair.  “I’ve got a straightjacket I can let you have, and some sedatives, but that’s about all I can offer.  If his father is after him the way you said, you’ll want to get him far away from here.  Sooner than later, if you wouldn’t mind.”  His tone of voice made it clear that he didn’t really care whether Clark minded.

“Where are we supposed to go?”  
***

Day Two  
**Lex:**  
I wake up because the baby is screaming and screaming.  I can’t tell where we are and my head is killing me but it doesn’t take long to find Julian so I calm him down by rocking and singing to him.  Once he falls asleep again I look around.  We’re in a bedroom I don’t recognize and out the window there’s nothing but a yard and a lake, and I don’t know what’s going on but I have to protect the baby.  I hold Julian and try to get my thoughts together because so much has been happening and it’s hard to hang onto it all.  But I remember the assassin and Morgan Edge’s new face and the sweatshop and my father and a gun and I remember Clark.  With the car.  I put Julian in his crib and try the door and it opens and I’ve never seen this house before but I find Clark in the kitchen.  I have to get past him so I can rescue the baby from wherever we are and then I think I have to kill my father but Clark is saying that I slept a long time and we’re safe here and something about whose house this is.  “Are you thirsty?” he asks and I tell him I am and he offers me something in a glass and then I know for sure that Clark is behind all of this.  And I call him on it and he looks at me with those big lying eyes that I know better than to trust, and I ask what my father has on him and who else knows about him and he looks scared and he’s blocking my way to the front door.  I tell him I’m leaving and he says I can’t and I say that’s kidnapping and he says it’s for my own good and when I try to force my way past him I can’t move him at all.  So I stab him with the knife I snuck from the kitchen while he was pouring my drink but the knife breaks and Clark grabs my wrists and twists me around before I can get away and I’m yelling that he should just kill me already and get it over with but don’t hurt my brother and he’s holding me saying he’s not going to hurt me and I start kicking and I can’t reach him but I break a chair and I’m yelling so loud my throat hurts and Clark won’t let go, he just holds me with a vice grip until I’m losing my voice and then I hear Julian crying again and I beg Clark to let me go to him but Clark won’t let go and Julian keeps crying and I don’t even know what I can feed him if he’s hungry and I know Clark is going to kill both of us if I don’t kill him first and he won’t let me help the baby and then I’m crying too and Clark’s saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” but he really isn’t.

**Clark:**  
Lex sobbed hoarsely in his arms, and Clark was beginning to think the straightjacket might have been a good idea.  At the time it had seemed unspeakably cruel, to truss Lex up unnecessarily.  But Clark couldn’t see how he was going to restrain him for another three days or more, and while Lex couldn’t hurt Clark, he could very plausibly hurt himself.  Or, considering the chair he’d already trashed, the house they were using.

He eased himself and Lex to the floor, until Lex lay limply in his lap, shuddering and weeping, spent from his struggle.  Clark tried to rock him a little, heartsick at his friend’s suffering.  It looked to be a long three days.

Gradually Lex’s sobs diminished and his breathing steadied.  Clark held as still as he could, figuring they should both conserve their energy.

“Clark?”  Lex’s voice a calm rasp.

“Yeah, Lex?”

“Where are we?”

“Louisiana.  Toby told me about this house.  He knows the guy who owns it, or something.”

Lex pulled himself up to a seated position and wiped at his swollen face.  “Louisiana.  You want to be a little more specific?”

Clark watched him warily.  “Napoleonville.”

Lex stared, his mouth quirking ever so slightly.  “You’re kidding.”

With a small smile, Clark shook his head.  

“Where the hell is Napoleonville?”

“South.  Nowhere in particular.  I needed a place where your father wouldn’t find you.”

“My father.”  Lex reached up to massage the back of his neck, his head at a weird angle.  “My father killed his parents.”

“I know.  Listen, your father’s been drugging you.  Do you understand?  He paid Darius to put something in your scotch.  That’s why you’ve been…”

“Losing my mind?”

Clark winced.  “Yeah.  But you haven’t lost your mind.  You’re just hallucinating.”

“Hallucinating.”  Lex rubbed his neck some more, then got up and went into the kitchen.  Clark followed.  “That’s very convenient for you, isn’t it?”  He rummaged through cupboards until he found a glass, and filled it with water from the tap.

“It’s the truth, Lex.  You have to believe me.”

“I do believe you.”  Lex took a long drink, then made a face and spit water into the basin.  “God, this tastes like pond scum.”  He eyed the glass suspiciously.

“It’s just water.”  Clark spoke with the same tones he’d use on a spooked horse.

Lex rolled his eyes.  “I know it’s water, Clark.  I’m insane; I’m not an imbecile.”

Despite himself, Clark laughed.

“So I guess the hallucinations explain how you could throw off a speeding car like it was nothing, right?  Or how we could be in Metropolis, then in California, then back in Metropolis again, all in about ten minutes?”  He schooled his face into perfect blankness and waited for Clark’s response.

It came as a whisper.  “We were never in California.”

Lex simply watched Clark for a beat, then took another sip of water.  “Of course.  And I can trust you, because you’d never lie to me, Clark, would you?”

After a long pause, Clark said, “Toby said it should take a few days before you stop feeling the effects of the drugs.  They were dosing you for a couple weeks at least.  So you’ll, uh, feel more like yourself in a few days.  We just have to wait.”

“I feel quite a lot like myself right now, actually.”  Lex looked Clark up and down.  “Are you human, Clark?”

“So it would really help if you tried to remember that you’re, well, tripping.  That’s what Toby said to tell you.  He said it’s like a bad trip.”

“When exactly did I see Toby?”

“You were unconscious.  He tranquillized you.”

“So now you’re saying Toby drugged me.  That seems to be a popular sport these days.”

“Lex, I swear to you, I would never let anyone hurt you.”  Clark took a step closer to Lex, but Lex backed away.

“Hurt me by, oh, say, shooting me with tranquillizers?  Or holding me hostage?  Or, I don’t know, playing gaslight with my mind until I don’t know what’s real anymore?”

“Lex—”

“Or surely you’d never let anyone hurt me by lying to me again and again, and keeping me from ever seeing the truth.  Because of course you know how that would hurt me.  Right?”

“You need to calm down—”

“You calm down, Clark!  I don’t exactly feel like being calm right now!”  Lex began rifling through kitchen drawers, muttering under his breath.

“What are you doing?”

“I just need to find something.”  He went for the knife drawer but Clark stopped him, so instead he smashed his glass against Clark’s face.  
***

Day Three  
**Lex:  
**When I try to escape Clark is always at the door before I reach it and when I hit him with things he doesn’t even react.  I’ve been waiting more than 24 hours for him to fall asleep and he hasn’t ever closed his eyes.  He didn’t seem to feel any pain when I stabbed him even though his shirt has a hole in it now but he hid everything sharp after I tried to slash my own wrist when I realized I’d never get away from him.  I was hiding in the bathroom at the time and I had water running and I’d said I was going to take a bath and he had let me close the door but I don’t know how much that mattered because one second I was by myself and holding a blade above my arm and the next second Clark was there and my hands were empty and what had once been scissors were a crushed metal ball.  He looks at me like my friend the farmboy and he says he cares about me but I don’t know what he is and I don’t think he’s ever going to let me go.

Which maybe means that whatever my father did worked and I’ve completely lost my mind, or possibly Clark works for my father (is owned by my father?) and keeping me prisoner is the new strategy.  But Clark says he’s saved me from my father and part of me believes him.  He says this is all a drug trip and maybe it is, and maybe in another few days I’ll understand how we got here without a car and why the only friend I’ve ever had is invulnerable and unstoppable, like some character too farfetched for even Warrior Angel.  

He won’t let me leave but when Julian cries he helps me sing him back to sleep.

**Clark:  
**Lex sat on a stool at the breakfast counter, watching with undisguised fascination while Clark prepared their lunch.  The attention made Clark uncomfortable, but then again, it did make it easier to keep an eye on the guy.

Clark had hidden the can-opener down by the lake along with all the other sharp implements, so he ripped open a can of tomato sauce with his fingers and dumped the sauce in a pan, then crumpled the can into a ball, making sure all the ragged edges faced inward.  He set the saucepan on the stove, next to a large pot of water.  He’d shut off the gas feed to the house, just in case Lex tried to rig an explosion, so he used his heat vision to boil the water and simmer the sauce, alternating his gaze between the two.  When he added pasta to the water, Lex asked, “Have you ever tried a crème brulée?”

Clark glanced up rapidly, burning a streak across the countertop and almost setting Lex on fire before he remembered to shut his eyes.  He hadn’t slept in way too long.  “God, I’m sorry!  Are you okay?”

“It’s a custard dessert with a layer of caramelized sugar on top.  They make it with a blowtorch, customarily.”

Clark cracked one eye open, then both.  The scorched formica gave off a nasty smell, but Lex still sat, unperturbed.  His eyes were red-rimmed, bloodshot, and deeply shadowed from sleeplessness, and his skin was a little sallow, but other than that he looked alright.  “I don’t really cook much, at home,” Clark said.

Lex glanced at the stove.  “I guessed.  Though I’m surprised your mother hasn’t tried to teach you.”

“What makes you think she hasn’t tried?”

“I think if she had tried, she would have succeeded.”

Clark smiled.  In fact there were a few dishes he knew how to make, but without knives or fresh produce – and it wasn’t like he could leave Lex and go shopping – his repertoire was limited.  Thankfully, the house had been well stocked with canned goods.

“She thinks I should be in an asylum,” Lex added.

Turning his focus back to the stove, Clark said, “She was just worried about you.”

“I don’t blame her.  I’m worried about me too.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you, Lex.  I promise.”

“Oh, I know.  That’s my father’s department.”

Clark didn’t answer, busy adding spices to the sauce and keeping the pasta boiling.

“Tell me, when does he get here?”

“Who?”

“My father.”

That got Clark’s attention.  “Your--  Lex, your father isn’t coming here.”

“I know you’re going to sell me to him.  I imagine he’ll pay quite a bit.”

“I would never do that.  That’s—”

“Insane?”  Lex smiled, almost pleasantly.  “Why bother lying about this?  I thought you’d decided to let it all hang out, now that I’m a dead man anyway.”

“You’re getting confused again.  Remember the drugs.”

“How could I forget?  The drugs that make me hallucinate.  Did my father engineer you, Clark?  I had no idea his research had gotten so far.”

“What?  No!”

“Or, wait, he put you on that bridge, didn’t he?  When I hit you with my car?  I should have seen it, I just never thought he’d have that kind of patience.  But now it makes sense.  He gives me a ‘friend’ who’ll get close to me, watch over me – are the Kents on his payroll too?”

“Lex, stop it!”  Clark came around the counter and grasped him by the shoulders.  “This isn’t you.  Think about what you’re saying.”

“Oh, I’ve *been* thinking about it.  I’ve had nothing else to do for two days.  So I’m just asking, when is he getting here?”

“He isn’t coming!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!  Christ, I thought we were past this!”

“I’m not!  I haven’t lied to you since we’ve been here, Lex, I swear.”

“You’ve never told me anything but lies.  Since the day we met.  You’ve been manipulating me this whole time!”

“No!  I hid things from you before, I admit it.  But not anymore.  Lex, please, concentrate, you’re losing it again—”

“California.”  Lex’s voice was almost a growl.  “You lied about California.”

“You—”  Clark stopped short.  “What?”

“Yesterday.  You said we never went to California.  But we did.  When you ran with me after the car.  When you called Toby.  The palm trees, the ocean?  Did you think I wouldn’t notice?  And now you fucking deny it!”

“Lex…”  Clark looked at him helplessly.  “We were in Florida.”

Lex blinked.  And blinked again.  And then his face fell.  “Fuck, Clark…”  His lower lip quivered; his shoulders started to shake.

“Shh…”  Clark gathered Lex to his chest, holding onto him as he fell apart.  “Hey.  Shh.  It’s okay.”

“It’s not fucking okay!”  Lex sobbed, clutching at Clark’s back.  “Jesus, I don’t even know what I’m saying.  I’m sorry, Clark.  God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright.  You’re going to be alright.”  Clark closed his eyes as he hugged his friend, who shook and keened, murmuring apologies.  
***

Day Four  
**Lex:**  
To be insane is a nightmare that doesn’t end.  To be only partially insane is much worse.  You have enough command of your faculties to recognize when you’re spouting nonsense, but you still can’t stop yourself.  Your brain shorts out from time to time, and when it comes back online you find yourself acting like a fool.  When you’re completely insane, everything unfolds with the horrific logic of a dream, and it all matters enormously but at the same time you’re removed from it.  As you regain your wits that removal disappears, and you start to understand the damage you’ve done.  It’s enough to drive a person crazy.

Clark fixes my meals and cleans up my messes and proves beyond doubt that he isn’t human, because no human being would be this good to me.  I’ve done everything I could to hurt him during the last few days, and he forgives me every time.  Remorse is a permanent lump in my throat.  He massages my neck, loosening muscles that have been agonizingly clenched for longer than I can remember, and it feels so good I weep.  I can feel a thousand knots letting go inside myself.  It’s more terrifying than madness, than guns.  If Clark were anyone else I would hate him forever for seeing me this vulnerable; instead I am lastingly grateful that he can’t be killed.

Last night he found a bag of marshmallows in the back of a cupboard, and he roasted them for me with his eyes.  He has finally stopped hiding from me and I want to tell him that I’m a danger to him, that he was right not to trust me with these secrets of his, but the words won’t come out.  All I can do to repay him is swallow the questions I want to ask, like I swallow everything else: his kindness, my attraction.  We spooned on the bed last night, Clark wrapped around me, saying we both needed the rest and he needed to be sure I wouldn’t leave.  He wasn’t wrong but I wanted the contact even more than I wanted the sleep.  Exhaustion claimed me, though, and I drifted off feeling safe for the first time in ages.  When I woke up Clark was still curled against my back and my pillow was wet.

**Clark:**  
The sound of a door opening jerked Clark out of a deep sleep, and he rolled over to see Lex emerging from the bathroom, trying to smooth a shirt that was rumpled from several days’ wear.

“When did you… I didn’t hear…”  Clark scrubbed a hand over his face and yawned.  “What time is it?”

“Eleven.  I’ve been awake for a few hours.  But I only got up a short while ago.”

Clark swung his feet to the floor and sat, blinking himself into alertness.  Lex smelled of soap, and his skin was rosy and damp.  “Did you take a shower?  Jeez, it must have been freezing.”  With no gas to fire the hot water heater, it had been reduced to a storage tank.  “You should have shoved me or something, I could have warmed it up for you.”

Lex shrugged.  “You needed the sleep.  Anyway, the cold water was…refreshing.”  He headed for the kitchen so Clark padded along behind him.  

They ate breakfast in silence.  Lex studied his plate while Clark tried to be subtle about studying Lex.  It was clear that he was doing significantly better – his violent outbursts had gotten rarer and rarer, and his eyes had lost that panicky, confused look – but over the last twenty-four hours he’d grown subdued, and emotionally fragile in a way that hurt to see.  Clark had the feeling that dark things were still going on in Lex’s mind, and he had regained enough control to keep them from getting out but that didn’t necessarily mean he felt okay.  His pulse still stuttered and jumped for no apparent reasons, and when they had lain down together the night before Clark had pressed against him, wishing he could protect Lex even from his nightmares.  Maybe it was the fatigue, or the relief of finally letting Lex see what he could do, but he found himself feeling more and more possessive, and he’d had to restrain himself from nuzzling Lex’s scalp.

“I’m not going to attack you, you know.”  Lex didn’t sound angry, only weary.  “You really don’t have to monitor me like that.  Though I can understand why you might think otherwise.”

“No, I know.  I wasn’t…”  Clark hoped he wasn’t blushing.

Lex’s gaze returned to the crumbs on his plate.  His whole manner radiated defeat.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Clark.  I’m a recovering psychotic with a sociopath for a father.  Everything’s peachy.”  His voice was entirely flat.

“You’re not psychotic, and I meant besides that.  What’s bothering you?”

Lex shook his head.  “It’s nothing,” he mumbled.  “Bad dreams.”

Clark watched him to see if he’d say any more, but he didn’t, so eventually Clark gathered up their plates and took them to the sink.  After he’d washed up, he went back and sat beside Lex, who hadn’t moved.

He waited.

“Clark?  Did I hurt Lana?”

Clark wasn’t sure how best to answer the question, and while he groped for words, Lex’s eyes widened.  “Oh, god.  What did I do?”

“It wasn’t your fault.  You weren’t yourself, Lex.”

“What did I do?  Please, you have to tell me.  Is she dead?”  

“No, no.  She’ll be okay.  I think.  Her leg was broken in a few places, and she has some broken ribs, and a pretty bad concussion—”

Lex blanched.  “Jesus Christ,” he whispered.  “What the fuck did I do to her, Clark?”

Suddenly Clark understood.  “Oh!  No, it wasn’t you – you pushed her into a horse’s stall.  She got…well, trampled.  A little bit.”  He winced as he spoke.

Lex just stared at him.

“It wasn’t your fault, Lex.  And she’s going to be okay.”

“You think.”

“Yeah.”  Clark had left Lana in the hospital, hot on Lex’s trail.  He really wasn’t sure what was happening in Smallville now.  It had all seemed less important than keeping Lex safe.

“I have these bits and pieces of memories.  I’m trying to put it all together but…”

Clark laid a reassuring hand on Lex’s shoulder.  “I know.  It must be hard.”

“No.  You don’t know.”  Lex’s expression was bleak.  “I can’t tell how much is real.  And the thing I’m afraid of is that.  That it all is.  Clark, I think I hurt… There was a truckdriver.  I think I may have killed him.”

“A truckdriver?”  Clark frowned.  “I don’t know about any—”

“It’s how I got to Metropolis.  We can’t all run as fast as you can.”

Clark sat back heavily in his chair.  “Oh.”

“I’m not sure, though.  Maybe I just knocked him out and carjacked him.  I can’t remember.  I don’t even know if I want to remember.”

Confronted with the possibility of additional crimes Lex may have committed, Clark had no idea what to do about it.  He tried to think how his dad would handle the situation, but that was really no help.  Instead he channeled his mom; he took Lex’s hand and gave it a squeeze.  “It’s going to be okay.  I promise it is.”

“You can’t know that.  Clark, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.  You have no idea how much.  But if my father wants to hurt me, he won’t give up.  And whatever I’ve done, I need to pay for it.”  He flinched.  “Make up for it.  Somehow.  Jesus, I ought to be locked away.”

“No.”

“I should.  Where I can’t hurt anyone.”  Lex gripped Clark’s hand and looked at him gravely.  “Where I can’t hurt you.”

“You can’t.  Literally.”  Clark leaned towards him.  “Haven’t you learned anything these last few days?”

Lex attempted a smile, but it wobbled.  He raised his free hand and traced the side of Clark’s cheek.  “I don’t want to.  I hope you know that.”

On instinct, Clark closed his eyes and turned so his face rested more securely in Lex’s palm.  “I know,” he said.

For a minor lifetime there was no sound but the two of them breathing, no sensation but the feel of fingers in his and the tingling warmth of Lex’s hand against his face.

“Clark,” Lex murmured.

Clark opened his eyes to see him looking desperate and absolutely lost.  His stomach sank as though he’d swallowed a brick, and he jerked away.  God, he’d been poised to take advantage of his best friend at a time when he was at his most defenseless; Clark didn’t think he’d ever be able to look in a mirror again.  He made himself sick.

“I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s me—”

They both got up from the table hurriedly and backed away, avoiding each other’s gaze.  
***

Later  
**Lex:**  
Clark keeps himself busy all day repairing things around the house that I’ve broken, and the message comes through loud and clear: I’m the lunatic and he’s the dutiful caretaker.  I can understand why I might have read more into his intentions, why I wanted to.  I’m weak right now and he’s strong; I’ve been wrong in the head, and Clark does nothing but make things right.  He’s nursed me back to health and I’m not the first to mistake that for love.  But the way he recoiled from my advance this morning had an eloquence that all his kind words could never mask.  Of course he didn’t complain; we’ll add this to the long list of sins for which he forgives me.  And I’ll know my place from now on.

I stay out of his way and work instead on formulating plans.  People I’ll need to contact, measures I’ll need to take before I can go home.  Seeing to Clark’s safety comes very high on this list.  Possibly first.  It won’t have escaped my father’s attention that Clark disappeared at the same time I did; no doubt he’s been looking for us both.  I need to come up with a cover story for how Clark was able to drop off the radar, and I need to clear it with the Kents and get Clark home before anyone digs up proof that he’s been with me.  Assuming they haven’t already.  I also have to develop some strategies to contain and protect Clark’s secrets, as well as contingency plans in case they ever get out.  I owe him my life several times over by now, and while I know he can handle himself, I wouldn’t be able to call myself his friend if I ever let anything happen to him.

Late in the afternoon he comes to see me, and he’s nervous.  He steps into a patch of sunlight and twists his hands in his shirt-tails, and for an instant he’s the bashful high school student I first knew, the mystery I’ll never solve and never get tired of.  He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Better.  Thank you.”

He nods.  “That’s good.”  

I was right; Clark is too tactful to mention a single untoward thing I’ve done.

“Listen,” he continues, “do you want to go outside?  I mean, it’s a beautiful day, and there’s this lake out there that we’ve barely even seen…”

Outside.  I suppress a tremor of fear at the thought.  “Are you sure that’s safe?”

“I’m pretty confident you’re not about to drown yourself, if that’s what you’re asking.”  If I didn’t know him well, I wouldn’t be sure that he’s joking.  But I can hear it in the dip of his voice.  “And anyway, I know CPR.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

“Come on,” he urges me.  “Don’t tell me you’re not itching to get out of here.”

I never want to leave.  But Clark extends a hand to me and I take it, and he draws me after him out into the light.

**Clark:**  
They walked a long expanse of overgrown lawn and stopped at the edge of the lake.  The afternoon was warm and calm, the water’s surface glassy, with a family of ducks paddling quietly by as if demonstrating how to be.  Lex stared at them for a long time.

“You were right,” he said.  “It’s good to be outside.”  He sat, pulling off his shoes and socks and sinking his toes into the grass.

Clark did the same.  “I was kind of raised to believe that fresh air makes everything better.  It goes with the whole farm thing.”

Lex watched the lake.  “I don’t know how to thank you, Clark.  For everything.  This week has to have been hell for you.”

“I’m glad I could help.  Though I might not say no to a truck this time.”

“A truck wouldn’t begin to cover it.”  He looked over at Clark, far too solemn.  “Do your parents have any idea where you are?”

Clark had barely thought about his family in days.  “There wasn’t really time to tell them.  I had to get you somewhere safe.”

“They must be worried.”

“I’ll explain it to them when I see them.  It’ll be okay.”

“I think you should call them from Metropolis,” Lex said gently.

“Are we going back to Metropolis?”

“I’m not.  Not for a while, at least.  But you should.  It’s where you went the last time you ran away, and if anybody’s monitoring your parents’ phone calls I want them to think you just ran away again.  I don’t want my father knowing you’ve been helping me.”

Clark frowned.  “Where are you going to be?”

“I don’t know yet.  There’s a lot I’ll need to do before I let my father know I’m still alive.  We’re fighting a war, and I’d hate to see you caught in the middle of it.  You should go home.  Get back to your life.”

“What if I don’t want to leave you?  You shouldn’t be alone.”

“It’s too dangerous for you to stay with me.”  Lex’s eyes shone, reflecting the sky.  “You’ve done enough.  Your family needs you.  Lana needs you.”

_Yeah, but I need *you*_, Clark wanted to say.  Instead he said, “But I could help you.  I want to.”

His words only seemed to make Lex sadder.  “After all the things I’ve done…”

“It wasn’t your fault.  And we can fix it.  Nothing’s happened that can’t be undone.”

 “There are any number of things about the last week that can’t be undone.”  He looked pointedly at Clark until his implications sank in.

Clark felt blood draining from his face.  “Oh.”

“I’ll never tell anyone.  What you can do.  I swear.”

“I…”  He took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry I never told you before.”

“You had every reason not to.  I’d have lied too, if it had been me.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to.  So many times.  You…  You did hit me with your car, on the bridge.”

“I kind of figured.  It’s alright, Clark.”

“There’s more.”

“There’d have to be.”

In all the times Clark had imagined having this conversation, he’d never pictured it like this.  Among other things, he’d expected Lex to show some curiosity.  The fact that he wasn’t perversely made Clark want to volunteer more.

“I can read the caves.  The language on the walls.  I know what all the legends mean.”

“Clark—”

“And I’m allergic to meteor rocks.  The green ones.  They make me sick.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I’m not from this planet, Lex.  I’m an alien.  You’ve been right all along.”

“I’m in love with you.”

All further thought got wiped right out of Clark’s head.  “You…”  He blinked rapidly.  “What?”

One corner of Lex’s mouth smiled.  “Don’t worry.  I won’t do anything about it.  But if you’re going to tell me all your secrets like that, it seems only fair to tell you one of my own.”

“Lex.  You.  You love me?”

“You shouldn’t trust a raving lunatic with sensitive information like this, Clark.  I don’t know how much more my brain can take.  Seriously.”

“And you won’t—  Why not?”

“Why not what?”

“Why not do anything?”

Lex gave a wry smile.  “You’re my friend.  That’s enough.  I’m not that crazmmmph” and he got cut off by an eager, wet kiss.  Which deepened and lasted until they were both panting for breath.  By the time Clark pulled away, Lex had his hands threaded through his hair, and he was staring at him in shock.  “Tell me I’m hallucinating again.”

The grin spread over Clark’s face as he tried to smoothe the wrinkles from Lex’s brow.  “You’re completely crazy.”

“No shit.”

“Can I kiss you some more?”

“God, please.  Yes.”

They came together again, and this time Lex took the lead, kissing Clark with passionate fervor and climbing onto his lap.  Clark wrapped his arms around him, holding him close while Lex sucked on his tongue and ground against him so that he felt Lex’s erection pressing against his belly, and his own answering hardness straining his jeans.  He moaned as Lex nibbled at his jawline, sucked on an earlobe, scrabbled at the buttons on his shirt with a frenzy that seemed just a little too desperate.  Reluctantly, Clark pulled himself back until he could see the feverish glaze in Lex’s eyes.

“Whoa.  Slow down.  Are you okay?”

“Fuck me, Clark.  Now.  Too many goddamn buttons…”

“Hey.  Hey, I’ve got you, just calm down a little.  What’s going on?”

Lex choked on a laugh.  “This isn’t real and oh god please fuck me before I snap out of it.  _Please._”  He succeeded in getting Clark’s shirt undone and pushed it back from his shoulders, hungrily latching his mouth onto an exposed nipple.  He bit and Clark’s eyes rolled back in his head, but even so he pried Lex away from his chest as gently as he could.

“Wait.  Look at me.”  He gazed into Lex’s eyes with intent focus.  Lex’s breath shuddered as he gazed back.  “This is real.  Trust me.”

“I do trust you.”  He seemed astounded by his own sincerity.  “It’s just that I’ve wanted this for so long, I can’t believe I’m actually getting it.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”  Clark smiled softly and leaned in, placing tender kisses on Lex’s eyelids.  Slowly, carefully, he unbuttoned Lex’s shirt and peeled it off him, then pulled off his own.  And he lay Lex down on the grass, running his hands all over his trembling body.  Caressing his chest, his belly, his legs, with soothing strokes that made Lex whimper with pleasure.  He drew Lex’s arms up above his head and kissed him, then slid down to lick and nip at his sides, where his ribs were too plainly visible.  He hadn’t even realized how thin Lex had grown in the last few weeks.  But this wasn’t the time to concentrate on that; instead he dipped his tongue into Lex’s bellybutton, and Lex’s hips strained upward while his slender fingers grabbed at Clark’s hair.

“Please, Clark.”  Lex pulled him up for more kisses, stretching him out on top of him so that their whole lengths pressed together.  He grabbed Clark’s ass and pulled him down, grinding their cocks together, and they both groaned.  Clark dipped his head to suck on Lex’s neck while Lex slid his hands beneath the waistband of Clark’s jeans.  Even shirtless, belly to belly with their arms wrapped around each other, legs intertwined, they still wore too many clothes and Clark really had to do something about that.

He kissed his way down Lex’s chest, stopping to tease a nipple with his teeth while his fingers undid Lex’s pants.  And then he continued his downward progress, nuzzling Lex’s groin briefly while he stripped him of his pants and boxer-briefs.  Lex’s cock lay stiff upon his belly, as smooth and hairless as the rest of him, and he raised himself up on his elbows to stare at Clark, his blue eyes laser-bright.  He was wanton and hard and beautiful, but Clark spared only a moment to admire the sight before he shucked his own pants and boxers, then skimmed up Lex’s body as if diving into a shallow pool.  He licked a wet stripe up Lex’s cock and on up the center of his torso until they lay flush together, cock against cock, and he claimed Lex’s mouth in another devouring kiss.  Lex hooked a leg around the back of Clark’s thigh and thrust up against him, breaking away from their kiss to lick his own palm, then reaching down between them to take them both in his spit-slicked hand.  

“God, Lex…”  Clark was conscious of wanting not to hurt his friend as he pressed him into the ground, but Lex’s grunts and the feel of him, the friction of Lex’s cock sliding against his own, were making him lose control.  He couldn’t stop but didn’t trust himself; the best he could do was to take his hands off Lex and drive them into the earth beside his head, squeezing handfuls of dirt as he pumped again and again into Lex’s fist, the pressure rapidly building.  He buried his face in Lex’s neck, and Lex’s gasps came faster and harder and he made a noise in the back of his throat that almost pushed Clark over the edge.    “Clark – look at me,” Lex begged from between gritted teeth; “I need to see you.”  So he raised his head once more, and the look of ardent concentration on Lex’s face was all it took.  He felt it like an explosion deep inside himself; the orgasm rocked through him as he spilled all over Lex’s belly.  “I love you too,” he whispered as the shockwaves receded, and Lex came with a strangled shout that may have been Clark’s name.

Clark rolled off him, sticky and drained and goofy-happy, grinning up at the sky, but as he regained his breath he realized that the sounds he was hearing from Lex weren’t just gasps and panting; Lex was crying.  And laughing.  And quaking violently.

“Lex?  Are you alright?  Oh god, did I hurt you?”

“No, Clark.  I…”  Lex trailed off into another round of hysterics, and Clark began to worry that sex had been a very, very bad idea.

“Okay, you’re scaring me.  What’s going on?”

He could barely speak between giggles and sobs.  “I’m, uh, just a little broken.  I’ll get it together.  You’ve got to – hoo! – give me a minute.”  He pressed his hands against his face and calmed down marginally.  “Whew.  Sorry, Clark.  I’ve.  Hah!  Been a little tense.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Not at all.”  Lex took his hands away and his voice was dead serious.  “God, Clark.  You’re perfect.”  He snorted out another laugh.  “Though I did just commit another felony.  Sex with a minor.”  He giggled helplessly for a minute.  “I really am criminally insane.”

Clark watched him with cautious amusement.  “Yeah, you’re a real criminal mastermind.”

That only cracked Lex up even more.  “You can be – hee! – my minion.  I’ve always wanted one.”

“Are you always like this after sex?”

“Never.”  And with effort, he got himself under control.  Fixing Clark with an earnest gaze, his lips twitching, he asked, “Will you be my sidekick, Clark?”

“I thought only superheroes had sidekicks.  The villains get henchmen or something.”

“You’re right.  And you are better suited to the hero role anyway.  Considering your abilities, and everything.”  He pressed his lips together but couldn’t suppress another attack of the giggles.  “You’re super!”

“Don’t say it,” Clark warned.

“Thanks for asking!”  Lex rolled on the ground, laughing so hard he had to clutch his belly.  Clark rolled his eyes and just waited.  Eventually Lex’s hysterics petered out and he lay on his side, gradually settling down.  “I’m sorry,” he said finally, with a deep sigh.  “I’m usually much more dignified than this.  After sex.”

“Feeling better?”

Lex sat up and smiled at him.  He looked tired but it was a real smile, a Lex smile.  “Yeah.  Thank you.”

“I meant what I said, Lex.  I love you.  And I’m not going home without you.”

“Clark, you have to know how dangerous this could get.  I don’t want you to lose any more of your life than you’ve already risked for me.”

“You _are_ my life.”  Clark hadn’t realized the truth of this until he said the words.  “And I want to help you get back everything that’s been taken from you.”

Lex raised a hand to stroke Clark’s cheek.  “I know I should fight you on this.  But I honestly don’t have the energy right now.”  He kissed him again, and it was different this time: slower and steadier and sure.  Clark cupped the back of Lex’s neck and they rested their foreheads against each other.  “Please at least run to Metropolis and call your parents,” Lex murmured.  “Don’t tell them you’re with me.  Just let them know that you’re alright.”

“Fine.  But I’m coming right back.”

“It’s not safe for you.  Being with me.”

“But it’s my choice.”

Lex didn’t argue.  Clark got dressed and looked down at him where he still sat naked on the grass.  “Will you be okay?  I’ll be back soon.”

He nodded.  “I’ll be right here.”

Clark smiled, and with a whoosh and a breeze he was gone.


End file.
